This time last month, my depression had led to me self harm, close myself from my family and left me in debilitating pain. I pretended and smiled when booking a family holiday in London for a few days as mi tia (aunt) from Ecuador had come to visit us. The days were enjoyable, but it was an imitation of happiness. I could see the colours around me but could not experience them, it is like the world has rejected you and pencilled you out in pencil. Your colour has left but life is vivid, and you can't engage. Thinking back on this time is painful, and hard to write about. But I want to write about how you can get through to the other side because today, I found the sunlight, and guess what, it is bursting out of me.
One year on, and I have had my mum and nephew visit me, and we made a mini stay-cation of it. After just one day, I woke up feeling tired from the previous day's activities and as I began to worry about how this tiredness would affect my mood, I could hear my mum and my nephew talking to each other. I felt a warmth that spread throughout me and quickly made me feel like I could explode with happiness. I was overcome with joy about our wonderful day out and that now I could just enjoy their presence and their voices around me. It sounds silly but after several months of darkness and several more of "recovery", I felt everything that I had been working towards all come to fruition in that moment. Of course, there will still be difficult days ahead but I no longer feel part of this limbo land which is "recovery". And I know, I know what it is to lose perspective and to have all the positives consumed by this life threatening illness. But just keep pushing, working, fighting and surviving and you too will wake up one morning, bursting with happiness.
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